Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding