ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
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“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
*jazz hands*
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Uh oh…
yea so i messed up lol
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.