For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
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Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Jail
we’re gonna need another temp
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Room with a view.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2