I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
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Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.