When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.