I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
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Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I’ve had relationships like this
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.