Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
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Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!