Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
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*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.