Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
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Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
WHO DID THIS?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*