Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
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My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour