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i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]