Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
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Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.