A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.