I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
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video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
My diet starts in January
of 2027
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.