[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
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When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Need WebMD
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.