On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
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i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
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me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
how was your vacation
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.