What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
live long and prosper!
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard