If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
You Might Also Like
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11