My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
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Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.