Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
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banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*