At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
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just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.