CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
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My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.