Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Need WebMD
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see