DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
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Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.