Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
You Might Also Like
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons