I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
You Might Also Like
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.