5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
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[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Things will get butter, keep churning
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment