What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
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Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Real House Wines.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.