Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
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A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Those are good neighbors.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Air conditioning – not a fan
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown