klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
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My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Good morning!
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money