Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
You Might Also Like
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
…u ok Nintendo?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
2022: I can fix it