Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
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Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.