It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement