I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
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I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?