Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
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It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
two people or more is called a problem
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
me when the borders lift
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.