If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
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But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
when nothing goes right… go left
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*