*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
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Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
lol
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy