By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
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Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.