This chloroform smells expensiv…
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Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
WTF IS THAT!
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.