How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
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black phone good
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I鈥檓 hungry. I don鈥檛 understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
oh u like geography? name every lake
I鈥檓 sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I once put a cigarette out on someone鈥檚 arm for telling me that we didn鈥檛 evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
i鈥檓 a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it鈥檚 you
Wife: I鈥檓 leaving you
Me: is it because I won鈥檛 stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
If there鈥檚 a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
The Weeknd is back
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.