not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
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Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.