We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Happy Halloween 🎃
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Ah yes. The three genders
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.