When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
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poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast