While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
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Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Möther may I have a snäck
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.