What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
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*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Husband of the year 😂
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
🚲+physics = winner
Only short people can save us