It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
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Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.