I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
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Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.