Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
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I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
WTF IS THAT!
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture