Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
You Might Also Like
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.