Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
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Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Hitlers gonna hitl
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.